Published: 22 March 2016 (print)/23 May 2023 (audio) 
Publisher: Margaret K. McElderry Books/Spotify Books
Pages: 385/9 hrs and 36 mins
Narrator: Rebekkah Ross
Format: Audiobook
Genre: Young Adult
★ ★ – 2.5 Stars
Eden was always good at being good. Starting high school didn’t change who she was. But the night her brother’s best friend rapes her, Eden’s world capsizes.
What was once simple, is now complex. What Eden once loved—who she once loved—she now hates. What she thought she knew to be true, is now lies. Nothing makes sense anymore, and she knows she’s supposed to tell someone what happened but she can’t. So she buries it instead. And she buries the way she used to be.
Told in four parts—freshman, sophomore, junior, and senior year—this provocative debut reveals the deep cuts of trauma. But it also demonstrates one young woman’s strength as she navigates the disappointment and unbearable pains of adolescence, of first love and first heartbreak, of friendships broken and rebuilt, all while learning to embrace the power of survival she never knew she had hidden within her heart.
I know this is supposed to be about the emotional impact of trauma and it is. But as much as I tried to appreciate the story it was telling me I couldn’t get into it. It has been compared to Speak, and I think Speak was more impactful, but at the same time there is no one way to experience trauma and react to trauma so it’s also not a fair comparison.
Smith captures characters well with little effort. We understand exactly who Eden’s mother is early on, as well as her father. But living inside Eden’s head we see how trapped she is, and how the want to be asked or seen is like a burning flame no one is paying attention to. Starting at a young age it’s easy to see why she is voiceless, unable to even begin to process what has happened to her. The reveals through the novel are aptly timed and it’s interesting to see the changes made as each new year passes.
With such a sensitive topic it feels wrong somehow to say I got bored reading this. Smith jumps through four years remarkably well, we don’t have to read about every passing day and the jumps are a great way to see how time has changed Eden and those around her. It also helps you avoid having to fill in the blanks around conversations and answer questions that may come up. I had a lot of questions and how some things were feasible, but it is never addressed and time jumps miss a lot so it’s easy not to think about.
One thing I found, and it’s my own fault for continuing to read American YA, they are obsessed with always deeply setting them in a school to the small details. It’s 2024, and while this book was published in 2016, have schools in the States still not grown out of the class system at school of jocks and nerds, the weird kids and the ostracised? Everyone regulated to their own table, never shall they cross, and we will pick on you in the cafeteria for being different? Maybe if you didn’t all eat in one room you could sit away from the tormenting kids. Get some Vitamin D and maybe you’ll calm down. It’s sad in a way if the experiences are still like what the 80s movies always depicted. They wouldn’t keep putting it in books if it was relatable to someone’s life, right? It kicks off key plot points but it’s a tired trope but one I’m starting to think is still incredibly realistic.
What annoyed me most about this book is at the very end, the very final few chapters Smith managed to get me intrigued about the sequel. After putting up with the story, I now have to decide if I want to see what happens next. It isn’t that that we shouldn’t hear stories like Eden’s, far from it. It’s how such an emotional and empowering story managed to feel boring and unengaging. I persevered because you want to see where Eden’s going to end up, how she is going to tackle this through her developmental years and the impact it will have on those around her. I read enough into things myself to add insights. You can implant how she has denied her trauma because she was too young to understand, how she has embraced her rumours, or how she reacts to her trauma without even knowing about it. I only wish I had loved the story more because I think it is important.
The ending gave it the extra half star and I think the half star might get me to read the sequel.
You can purchase The Way I Used to Be via the following
Wordery | Angus and Robinson | Blackwell’s
Fishpond | Amazon | Amazon Aust | Audible
